Power struggles

By Bizzi Eer
This past week 800,000 Californians were without electricity as the government-sanctioned criminal monopoly PG&E decided that living with reliable power was a luxury that residents had been taking for granted for far too long.
“I think that many of us here at PG&E had been feeling so under appreciated for too long,” said company representative, Donald Putin (no relation). “Like every time you go to turn on the lights, do you know how hard we work to make sure that sometimes they go on? Do you even think about that? No. You only think about yourselves.” Putin stormed off in tears.
On the other spectrum of the event, customers were infuriated with the momentary inconvenience.
“This is like living in a third world country!” shouted one Bay Area resident (that’s actually a real quote I’m not even kidding). “I don’t pay $4k a month to live in a Bayfront property just for my farm-to-table eggs to go bad!”
Many California residents were similarly enraged, despite the fact that the outage lasted just a little over 24 hours and that residents in Puerto Rico were previously without power for 11 months.
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Drenched in the wet lab — HSU floods

By Welsea Chood
DUMBERJACK STAFF
On the evening of Sept. 18, heavy rains pummeled the Humboldt State University campus which subsequently flooded several buildings.
Candice May, a biology major at HSU, arrived at her 6 p.m. studies of precipitation class only to find her wet lab was indeed drenched.
“I walked down the hall and could see water streaming from under the door,” May said. “I thought my class was sure to be cancelled, but professor Aquafina was geared up in a wetsuit.”
Classes continued despite the downpour. Dr. Hydra Aquafina, an HSU science professor, held her classes Wednesday night among the dripping ceiling titles and slippery floors.
“My Vis-à-Vis pens keep smudging and all my graded papers are sopping, but nothing can dampen my spirits for teaching!” Dr. Aquafina said.
The water damage cleanup is estimated to cost just over $2 as university representatives claim the water stains and mildew add character to the school.
The Dumberjack will continuously update the community on this pressing matter.
UPDATE
Clean up is already underway hours after the Humboldt State University campus was flooded with gallons of murky rainwater.
Despite previous reports of a $2 cleanup, janitorial staff have been working around the clock to mop up every last drop throughout the campus. Even going as far as taking a wet vacuum to the cement to create a dry pathway for students unprepared for the wetness.
Steve Slipski, an HSU custodian, was working in Gist Hall when the water started to trickle in the front entrance.
“After squeegee-ing as much as I could, I figured I’d let nature do its own job and dry the rest,” Slipski said.
The forecast for the remainder of the week hosts sunny skies with highs in the 70s–the perfect situation for the continuation of the water cycle.
Science students can now observe the water cycle up close as many of their labs have transformed into mini ecospheres encapsulating the full cycle of condensation, precipitation and evaporation.
ANOTHER UPDATE FROM LATER
Temperature highs of 71 degrees have little to no effect on the drying process of numerous Humboldt State University buildings which were drenched earlier this
week.
While Arcata and the surrounding areas experienced a spike in the typically mild climate, a storm has brewed and is headed our way Sunday night.
News of the change in weather has stirred the nerves of many HSU students still traumatized from the buckets Humboldt County received Wednesday night.
“I thought moving to Humboldt would be dope, but all I can think of now is how
I’m going to keep my Nikes dry this semester,” said Craig Cloud, an HSU mathematics major.
With the upcoming storm, HSU officials have ordered several loads of sad bags to guard building entrances. Preventative measures have been taken since cleanup efforts are limited as the university’s custodial department is now short staffed after several layoffs due to lack of productivity during last week’s drizzle and subsequent cleanup attempts.
Despite the prediction of precipitation in the coming days, some are welcoming the storm with open arms.
“I’m looking forward to another active wet lab come Monday!” said Dr. Hydra Aquafina, an HSU science professor who teaches the studies of precipitation.

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Students flock to Redwood Bowl to receive golden tickets

ARCATA, California –Thousands of family members watch with teary eyes Saturday as their little Suzie Q is handed a piece of paper valued at more than $28,000. Several reflect at a mere four-five years ago when they were obtaining a “free” education, “free” rent and “free” food.

“I never really saw a need in living a debt-free lifestyle,” graduate Jordon Paiment. “Who needs to live for free when you can jump right into adulthood with a $30,000 loan?”

The average Humboldt prisoner spends five years (four if you consider sleep a luxury) fighting hunger, binges and sleepless nights striving to acquire their golden ticket into the real world.

“These kids need an instant reminder that adulthood doesn’t pity no fool,” HSU President Lisa Rassbacher says as she talks about student loans. “One second I was doing kegstands with the whole football team, then the next I was eating ramen out of a grocery bag so I could afford electricity.”

The students crossing the stage are already tipsy because let’s be real, you’d drink too if you knew what was really at the end of that stage. Student loan collection agents, waiting to collect on that $30,000.

According to U.S. World Report News on Education, Humboldt State has a 13 percent four-year graduation rate. In the relatively small school, many find it difficult to fit in certain classes between their bong hits and naps, so it becomes more common for the students to graduate in five years.

“Yeah, you know, I was talking with my advisor one time, and she suggested 12 units a semester,” graduate Brian Murrell Jr. says. “That leaves only like, half my day to get high and study botany.”

As many more will continue to cross that stage and receive their $30,000 ticket, we at the #dumberjack suggest you get use to living in cardboard boxes now, because if you don’t start a well-paying career as soon as you walk off that stage, you shit out of luck.

Clear bottles — black market

The #dumberjack’s investigative team takes a look at Humboldt State’s underground trade in water bottles. Single-use water bottles were no longer sold on campus as of 2011, making HSU the first public university to ban the bottles.
The #dumberjack takes a look at the decision’s unintended consequences.