In this episode, the trimmigrants take a vote of “no confidence” in their farmer boss.
This is what fall sounds like at HSU.
ARCATA, California –Thousands of family members watch with teary eyes Saturday as their little Suzie Q is handed a piece of paper valued at more than $28,000. Several reflect at a mere four-five years ago when they were obtaining a “free” education, “free” rent and “free” food.
“I never really saw a need in living a debt-free lifestyle,” graduate Jordon Paiment. “Who needs to live for free when you can jump right into adulthood with a $30,000 loan?”
The average Humboldt prisoner spends five years (four if you consider sleep a luxury) fighting hunger, binges and sleepless nights striving to acquire their golden ticket into the real world.
“These kids need an instant reminder that adulthood doesn’t pity no fool,” HSU President Lisa Rassbacher says as she talks about student loans. “One second I was doing kegstands with the whole football team, then the next I was eating ramen out of a grocery bag so I could afford electricity.”
The students crossing the stage are already tipsy because let’s be real, you’d drink too if you knew what was really at the end of that stage. Student loan collection agents, waiting to collect on that $30,000.
According to U.S. World Report News on Education, Humboldt State has a 13 percent four-year graduation rate. In the relatively small school, many find it difficult to fit in certain classes between their bong hits and naps, so it becomes more common for the students to graduate in five years.
“Yeah, you know, I was talking with my advisor one time, and she suggested 12 units a semester,” graduate Brian Murrell Jr. says. “That leaves only like, half my day to get high and study botany.”
As many more will continue to cross that stage and receive their $30,000 ticket, we at the #dumberjack suggest you get use to living in cardboard boxes now, because if you don’t start a well-paying career as soon as you walk off that stage, you shit out of luck.
The #dumberjack needs your help to finish this investigation of the folk music of Bernie Sanders. To complete the film, students need to procure a working time machine. You can help by sending donations of cash or flux capacitors to #dumberjack, JMC Dept., 1 Harpst St., Arcata, CA 95521. Thanks for your help!
The #dumberjack’s investigative team takes a look at Humboldt State’s underground trade in water bottles. Single-use water bottles were no longer sold on campus as of 2011, making HSU the first public university to ban the bottles.
The #dumberjack takes a look at the decision’s unintended consequences.